Today I almost cried...because the burden feels big and though change is inevitable, at the back of my mind I always wonder if I have what it takes to make it over the hurdle into the land of...success.

Today was one of those days where you almost know you're being tested because as much as you have planned things out and have seen them going smoothly in your head, somewhere along the road, hard metal balls along with a wrench get thrown in your plans and come flying in your direction.  And you realize that you have to maneuver through the battle field to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

When I was younger, I may've had more energy for these battles.

At times, I'm overwhelmed with growing...with wanting, with pushing towards success.  I dream big and don't like to settle for less.  Reality hits and I want to be realistic but only within the possibility of my dreams...

I'm seeing that...

The todays always change.  Yesterday doesn't feel like today and tomorrow won't feel like today but in the moment, sometimes it feels like "today" will never end and we'll be stuck in this moment forever.  But truth is, we will never have this moment back, whether good or bad.  So maybe that leaves room to let go of the bad and move into the world of good and always recognize that good is a possibility. 

Today I lost a battle.  And actually I found that I've been losing battles quite a bit lately.  Battles for peace.  Battles between comfort and prayer.  I struggle everyday with what's right and what's wrong.  I know there is a fairly clear distinction but we sometimes forget that tied into everything we do is strength and weaknesses.  Strength meaning personifying discipline, focus, understanding, connection of the mind, body and spirit.  Weakness meaning the drawbacks, the internal battles, the fight vs flight responses, the coping and defense mechanisms, the childhood self screaming for help and to be fulfilled for the needs that were never met.  As we seek security and simultaneously strive to attain self-efficacy, we make settling decisions that can go from really good to really bad for us.  So I continue to battle my fears and my demons inside of me, knowing the rescue line might be in front of me but I just can't see it.  I live in a dream nowadays, wanting to run away from the battles I face...but I know that I can't run...so I have to pray but I'm afraid of what the response will be...perhaps something I don't want.  But I know that Allah knows what's best for me.  So I should rest my mind, right?  Lord knows, I'm going to try...sigh...

...How many of us have them?

When are friends worth having?  And when does it simply become too much work?  If maintaining a friendship becomes more stressful than satisfying, perhaps it's not a friendship worth maintaining.  Perhaps it's not a friendship at all.  Like all relationships, friendships are work.  They require support, understanding, the ability to overcome difficult situations and circumstances.  At times one person may need to depend on the other a little more, given the situation.  But each friend offers up what they have and if the friendship is valuable to you, communication will be very important.

It's a balance of self and sacrifice.  It's always important to look at what you're doing wrong if you are being called out and assess what you can do to tend to the situation if you can do anything at all.  And then choices have to be made, to make sacrifices or to walk away.  Not everyone is meant to be in your life.  And even then, not everyone is meant to always be in your life.  There are seasonal friends and friends that come along for a reason. It's important to distinguish between them.  If a friend is there to teach a lesson, grasp the lesson but don't hold on to a friendship that isn't worth preserving and whatever that means will have to be defined by you.  Like they say, if someone wants to walk out of your life, at times you should let them.  Let them go.  If they were meant to be there, they'll come back.

I say all of this because sometimes it becomes difficult to distinguish what's what.  When you're being too much or when you need to walk away.  But surrounding yourself with the right people has a lot to do with you being successful versus you holding yourself back.  Of course you have to be your own best friend at the end of the day and have true Faith but those closest to you can make or break you...so be careful